That’s like Chutney Mary, which, upon thinking about it, is probably not that universal a reference. (It’s an Indian restaurant in Chelsea, which I’ve never been to and only know about from my friend, universal chatterbox and serial repeater, Ange.)
Anyhoo, it’s September, there’s beetroot in the veg box and green tomatoes in the garden, so it’s chutney time.
We’ve had to cut the veg box down to once a fortnight, partly because we just physically can’t consume all the vegetables in our little family of 2 and a tiddler in a week, and partly because I can’t come up with stuff to make at the drop of a hat with things arriving spontaneously that I would usually actively seek out if or when I wanted them. Even though it’s been summer, there’s been a bit of a glut of meat-and-two-veg type veg for months – really, who wants a whole cabbage every week? And why are carrots in most boxes every week?* – and our reasonably varied, but still quite stuck-in-a-rut (well a repetoire of 12) pescetarian-vegetarian diet simply can’t sustain it. I put it down to things like we eat a more mediterranean diet at home; maybe it’s disorganisation, or lack of imagination – I’m sure some people squeal with glee when met with such a challenge – but at 7.45pm when I left work at 4.28pm and have only just stopped, and now have the washing up to do before I can start cooking supper, I don’t want the challenge, possess the imagination, or fathom when I could factor in being more proactively food-organised.
So anyway, while I love beetroot – roasted, pickled, grated, saladed – and even have a super pickled-beetroot-pot that was Grandma and Grandpa’s…

… if you’ve got nothing to have it roasted with, and don’t really know how to pickle it, and can’t quite fancy the washing and cleaning associated with it in the middle of the week, what can you do with it? That’s right – Chutney! Why can’t everything in life be this simple?
Yeah, right. But beetroot chutney couldn’t possibly just need beetroot, could it? No, it needs onions (easy enough, so far so obvious), and raisins (no problem), and apples (oh really?) and green tomatoes (oh dear). Well, as my mum said, when I told her I’d fudged it: “Well a recipe’s really only a guide…” Let’s hope so.
But, for your delectation, Beetroot Chutney:
225g (8oz) apples
225g (8oz) raw beetroot, scrubbed and chopped
225g (8oz) green tomatoes, chopped
225g (8oz) onions, peeled and finely chopped
1 garlic clove, peeled and crushed
1 tbsp ground ginger
1 tsp ground allspice
1 tsp salt
300ml (1/2 pint) distilled malt vinegar
175g (6oz) Demerara sugar
Peel, quarter, core and chop the apples. Pop them in a large pan with everything else and slowly bring to the boil, stirring. Simmer for 50-60 minutes until the vegetables are tender, stirring frequently. Increase the heat for the final 10 minutes to reduce the liquid and thicken the chutney. Allow to cool slightly, and spoon into sterilised jars, then cover and seal with vinegar-proof lids (Good Housekeeping says to do this once the jars are completely cold. Oops.
GH also says you can store for up to 3 months in a cool dark place (like, a cupboard), and refrigerate once opened, for up to 2 weeks. Personally, I reckon you can store it for a year and eat it over a couple of months. But that’s just me. (My family has an iron constitution; it might not work for everyone.)
So fired up was I by the beets, I decided I had to make the biggest hit of my last chutney madness, back in October 2006. Terry’s not allowed me to make chutney since, when I failed to ensure adequate ventilation, and stinked up his flat for possibly 3 months, if not more. Pear, Prune and Walnut Chutney. Again, ‘a recipe’s only really a guide’.
Pear, prune & walnut chutney:
4 large onions, chopped
1kg ripe but firm pears, peeled, cored and diced (I used just under a kilo, because that’s what we had)
250g Agen prunes, quartered (I opened a tin, they weren’t Agen, they were unspecified)
6cm piece root ginger, peeled and very finely chopped
250g dark muscovado sugar
400ml cider vinegar (I had about a tablespoonful, so I made up the quantity with malt. oops!)
200ml water (I used the apple juice from the prune tin, and made up the quantity with water)
150g walnut pieces (or near enough…)
It’s really so easy: you put all the ingredients in a heavy-based pan, and stir it over a medium heat until the sugar has dissolved. Once it comes to the boil, reduce the heat and simmer it for about 1½ hours, until it has thickened and reduced by about half. You then just pour it into sterilised jars (about 6) and the recipe (at www.waitrose.com, of course) says to seal with jam pot covers. I never do, I just pop on the lid.
Ooh, a quick note for the uninitiated: sterilised jars? I’m not sure, so I get them scrupulously clean with ecover washing up liquid and very hot water, rinse them out and stick them and their lids in the oven at about 180ºC for about 10 minutes. I have no idea if that will do, but T seemed to think it was not unreasonable.

*Carrots: They’re in the ‘Favourites’ box alongside the nation’s most-purchased veg, including things like broccolli, which I can believe, but do people really eat carrots every week, even if they buy them? What the hell do they do with them? (I’ve looked for carrot curry but was not convinced; I’ve looked up carrot chutney, but have yet to find…)